Dad and Me

Exactly a month after my father’s passing, I talked to my dad again. It was one of those realistic dreams that make you believe dreams really do mean something and they aren’t just nonsense that you can forget the next morning. The conversation was a relief because we got to say all of those things that needed to be said. And in my dream I kept repeating to myself, “I have to remember this. I have to remember this.”

But by the time I woke up, like so many dreams, I couldn’t remember the particulars. Just the feeling it left me with. I racked my brain trying to recall everything…but all I could piece together was that we were in the car at night and he was driving. He was telling me important things, things I needed to know, and some of what my future holds. He smiled at me and laughed. Just like he used to.

During the day I can still hear him say “Sweetie-pea!” and I don’t know if that is myself thinking it or if he is trying to make me smile. It happens during the most random times, when I’m supposed to be thinking about something else, or simply when I can’t fall asleep. I battle with the hope it is him and my logical side. The hope usually wins.

Hitting two months (which will be tomorrow) is harder than the first. I was still in shock then. But now I just feel lost.

Apparently, there are 5 stages of grief. This is what I keep hearing and I’m somehow supposed to be comforted by this. But I don’t know how I to apply them or if I should be worried that I don’t seem to be going through all of the stages. Yes, denial is one I went through and probably still am. Anger, I can understand why some would experience it…but angry at who, what? The universe? That seems a waste. Everyone leaves at some point. Bargaining? I don’t know what I am supposed to bargain about. Depression terrifies me but I suppose there are a few symptoms of that (mainly emotional eating) I’m showing. And as far as acceptance, I can’t imagine ever getting there.

The first month is certainly not easier, but people understand why you’re withdrawn. By the time you hit two months, people are less forgiving. Friends stop checking on you. They want you back to normal. They seem to forget what you have just gone through. This isn’t their fault though, I think it is just the sign that it is time to work through the grief.

I’m not back to normal though. I don’t think I ever will be.

Originally posted on July 9, 2012: http://memtolax.com/2012/07/09/two-months-have-passed/