Now I understand why my mom didn’t want me to start riding horses again. It wasn’t that she thought it was too dangerous or too expensive (although I’m sure that was part of it). It was because she dreaded the phone call she received today – me in hysterics.

Childhood photo with my dad

You see, my dad was my best friend and if there is one thing that reminds me of him it is horses. Until now, it has been in a good way. I love going to the barn and being around people who knew him. Plus, I just love horses. But today was the first time I had shown in seven years and my dad wasn’t there. I showed for 14 years and in that time my dad only missed two horse shows – and that is out of well over 100. Horse shows and my dad go hand-in-hand.

And it wasn’t just that my dad wasn’t at the show. It was yet another reminder that he is really gone. And that I’m alone. I have no one to share my thoughts with or to literally and metaphorically hold my hand.

I had my suspicions this might happen, but definitely not to this extreme. I even planned on having my boyfriend of 2 years be there for moral support. But then we broke up. So it is entirely possible that this has made me feel even more alone.

As I lay in bed worried about tomorrow, all I can hope is that my dad is in heaven smiling down on me. I miss him. But I am so grateful for the time we did have together. And hopefully I can create new, wonderful memories at horse shows because he showed me how much fun it can be.